Column: Lessons in friendship from Mr. Bonds

I have a friend named Barry. It is good to know Barry, and with knowing him comes several perks. For example, Barry is a great friend to have in the bars. He's an extremely large guy who will rage on any given person at any given moment. If an unsuspecting dude bumps into him, a glare or an elbow to the face is not out of the question. Barry is generally a respectful guy, but I stopped lending him my hats a few years ago--his head is literally expanding at a crazy rate. One of my borrowed beanies had to be donated to the midget parachuting club.

Oh, and the bus. Watch out for the bus. If Barry gets into any kind of trouble, he tends to panic and spew names. He will not hesitate to throw any name under that bus. Mark Sweeney is the last name to accumulate tire tracks.

Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants tested positive for amphetamines last season. A failed amphetamine test can be accredited to something as simple as Sudafed, but Bonds' lack of resistance points fingers at a more McGwiresque intent. With the increased stamina and physical energy gained from the amphetamine, Barry Bonds was also able to muddy teammate Mark Sweeney's name. When the positive test results originally surfaced in the media, Barry said that he had obtained the substance from Sweeney's locker. Bonds has recently withdrew this claim and apologized to the Mark, the Sweeney family and the San Francisco Giants, but just the mentioning of Mark Sweeney's name has hung a little black cloud over Mark's head for the rest of his career.

This newest development in Barry's less-than-pure career only heats up the debate that may reach record temperatures this coming season. Barry Bonds is 22 homeruns away from breaking the most famous record in all of sports-Hank Aaron's career mark of 755 homers. If Barry can stay nimble enough to hobble around the outfield, or potentially a move to first base would enable him to easily swat 22 homers. I just hope for Barry's sake that it is at his home park. The Giant's organization and fans have shown amazing support and patience with Barry, and it's doubtful that he will be warmly received anywhere else on the night he passes the beloved Hammerin' Hank. Commissioner Bud Selig will then have a decision to make as to how far baseball will go in honoring Barry's achievement, and how many asterisks will be placed beside his name in the record book.

A stoppage of play to release a little monkey waving a sparkler I think would be an appropriate celebration, as Bud Selig and baseball would be happy to have it off their back. The asterisk can then be placed, the debate can cease, and Mark Sweeney can work on removing those bus tread marks.