Kiss and Tell

I'm a young woman that has recently come to terms with her bisexuality. Being 21 makes me feel as if I may have missed the boat on learning all the 'norms' of dating both sexes. I have feelings for a friend of mine who is an 'out of the closet' lesbian, and I guess what I'm looking for are a few tips on how to ask her out when I am a newly realized bisexual. How should I go about it?

Alison: The first thing you should do is somehow let the object of your affection know that you are bi-sexual, a slight name drop of a female sexy celebrity or a 'nice ass' compliment to your friend could help open the door. I would say that the next step is easy and could very well be your first step.

Think of the way you would want affections expressed to you and simply do the same to this femme fatale. For example, you could ask this certain someone out for coffee and while brunching on scones ask her out sometime, for a night date of course. Make your intentions clear, let her know you have been interested in getting to know her more for sometime and that a date would be nice.

If subtlety is not your forte, go all out John Cusack-style with a stereo over your head and some 4 Non-Blondes playing while voicing your affection and desire to go on a date with this woman. Either way, the best thing to do would just be to jump out of the plane and skydive the question her way.

Ryan: I think that this scenario could work out in your favor. You are concerned about not knowing the 'social code' of being bisexual, yet you already have a close friend who is a lesbian. Plan a time to spend an afternoon with her in a relaxed, casual environment where you can ask the questions you seem to be too nervous to ask anyone else. Plus, this bonding time with that special someone could help her to realize that you are available and interested in pursuing something more than friendship with her.

Even if things don't work out and she doesn't have a mutual attraction to you, she would probably be willing to help you work out your sexuality issues in a way that doesn't require you to out yourself to everyone else around you unless you're ready.

You are still young, and will have plenty of time to catch up to those who figured out their attraction towards the ladies earlier on. I would just encourage taking your time to figure out what kind of relationship you would like to pursue, since you now are considering members of both sexes as potential significant others.

My girlfriend seems to be living in the past. Despite the fact that we've been dating for over a year, she has pictures of ex-boyfriends plastered all over her apartment as if they are relatives or something. In addition to these framed photos, she has numerous more in boxes, and lord knows how many else are hiding. Do I have the right to ask her to remove the ex-boyfriends from her walls, boxes and life?

Alison: As far as having the right to ask her to remove them, I would say no, but you do have the right to ask her why she has them. You don't know exactly why she keeps them and you never know if you are next for her wall. Not meaning that you two will break up, but maybe that you are important enough to her that you will make the wall.

She could just be a deeply sentimental person and in asking her why she keeps them up you will be able to learn more so what kind of person feels the need to hold on to the past. In fact you could learn something from her in appreciating the loves and more so the people in her life, but I do suppose the other reason should be examined.

She could very well be keeping these pictures as a back up, if that is the case it would be best to confront her about them; then let her know how much they bother you. As of now she has no idea that old photos are an issue in the relationship, so the sooner that you confront her and explain yourself, an explanation can be met.

Ryan: One thing that a lot of guys seem to struggle with is accepting the fact that their girlfriends have probably had several other boyfriends in their past. Maybe it's just being selfish, or a paranoid sense of jealousy, but it is pretty common for the guys to have issues with their girlfriend's past that didn't revolve around them. But just because it's a common reaction doesn't mean it's something that is always acceptable.

You have to come to terms with the fact that you will have to be occasionally reminded of these other dudes, whether having an uncomfortable conversation with them while out at a bar together or in your case looking through the pictures of her past relationships. I think that she is probably just sentimental, and is keeping the pictures as a reminder of the good and bad times she has had with important people in her life. It's perfectly fine for her to keep 'evidence' that she has dated other people, especially when it is as innocent as a picture from a significant day in her life.

Your best bet to clear this up is just to talk to her bluntly about why the pictures concern you. If she's the right one and is really committed to the relationship, she can help ease your mind about her intentions with keeping this stuff. There is a small chance she is not totally invested in your future as a couple, but pictures of old boyfriends is hardly as worrisome as a little black book of backups in case this one doesn't work out.