Smoking ban: A crock of nonsense

In a recent development that left former first lady Nancy Reagan stricken with glee, UND has announced plans for a smoke-free campus. Pending a statement from Mrs. Reagan, UND President Charles Kupchella has referenced a planned "social ostracism" of smoking, assuring students that it is "for their own good."

Like it or not, we all have been drafted as leaders in the "wellness movement." Students are to refrain from gathering publicly in groups larger than four, and sudden movements are highly inadvisable until the smoking is under control. There is a new sheriff in town.

Oh, ye hapless sinners, imagine if you can ... A student sits outside; a cigarette dangles from his lips. Two men approach.

"Watcha' doin' boy? You smokin'?" The student nods. "Well, my ole' buddy here, Sheriff Robert E. Lee tells me that's in violation of campus code No. 1567. You're a criminal now, son. We smoke-free. Bobby, get this degenerate off the campus and out of my sight. Don't fight him, boy. You'll just make him mad, ahehe ..."

It is a terrible scene indeed, but one must not dwell on such heinous possibilities - the strain causes dementia. A campus-wide smoking ban hardly would be remarkable; Americans have a storied love affair with bizarre moral/social legislation of questionable legitimacy. Booze, blacks and back-door sex all have been outlawed or otherwise relegated to the dregs of society at some point in this nation's existence by invasive lawmakers.

Why, our own legislature in this fair state of North Dakota refuses to repeal a cohabitation law that criminalizes unmarried couples living under one roof. That's right, son, you're not just a sinner, you're a criminal, too! That's the benefit of majoritarianism: if some small, minority behavior is deemed to be in poor taste, it easily can be outlawed.

Beware, my friends, there be puritans on this prairie, and they know the legal system.

Yes, the law is a fickle beast in this one Nation under God, and when Sheriff Robert E. Lee comes knocking, not even He can save you...

As for this "wellness movement," UND is consistently in the top ranks of the known universe for binge drinking. We are talking about a large demographic to whom spirited matches of "beer pong" and "Edward 40-Hands" represent valid intramural activities. Platinum-plated treadmills and smoking bans are rather missing the point if wellness, not publicity, is the goal. Let the students smoke. It's their party; they'll die if they want to. At least they can drive when they smoke.

Anyhow, there is indeed a point buried deep within this madness. A smoking ban is inane and brain-dead. It is not the role of society, and especially not the role of a university, to decide which personal choices are and are not acceptable. It is one thing to rule out smoking indoors, and quite another to design policies that deliberately inconvenience certain individuals.

Will our motto become "Don't tolerate. Litigate."?

It is inconceivable that anyone with an ounce of common sense thinks this ban is a good idea, and if they do, well, we need seriously to investigate the alarming deprecation of an ounce of common sense. If the sight of a person smoking truly does cause distress, to those affected individuals I recommend a simple technique perfected by "Slick Willy" Clinton himself: Don't inhale.